Fostering Independence in Your Elementary-School-Aged Child 

Your once talkative toddler may now seem pushy, your eight-year old no longer listens to you, or your child’s best friend is suddenly out of the picture. Though these behaviors can affect the peace of mind of both your student and your family, they provide opportunities to foster independence and resilience. Here are some ideas on how to do just that.  

The natural inclination for many parents and guardians is to swoop in and fix things for their children. But as adults, we know we weren’t born with the answers, and some of our best learning came through trial and error. Provide your child with the space to learn this way as well. Ask good questions about what they need and offer ideas and perspectives based on your experiences that may help them come up with a solution. Talking through the problem with your child gives them ownership and shows that they have your support.

Part of being a child is having adults telling you what to do–– when to wake up, when to get to school, when to eat lunch, etc. Many times, the more we direct them, the more they will want to exert some autonomy. They may display this need for independence by ignoring your requests, getting emotional, or even declaring “no.” Giving them ownership over their day can help alleviate this power struggle. Let them choose their outfits, what to pack for lunch, and what books to read together at bedtime. When given more choices throughout the day, kids are more likely to be flexible.

At this stage, kids are ready to do most things for themselves. It may take them longer to get dressed and ready on their own in the morning before going to school, but let them, even if you feel pressured to hurry out the door. Of course, there will be times when this just isn’t practical. But giving them the space to develop these skills can help their independence and confidence grow. 

Peers at any age will have disagreements, even babies! When children are very young, they don’t like the feeling of conflict and want to feel better and move on. But as kids enter first grade, they begin to understand the longer-term impact of conflict on others and how it can affect them socially. This awareness grows more complex as they get older. To help your child work through a conflict, ask how they feel and what they need. Ask what they can do to rebuild the relationship. Initially, they might not know the answers. But resist the urge to jump in and “fix it.” Remember that each child is different; some kids need time to process, while others need coaching. 

Learning to ask questions, express opinions, and seek information are critical to success in the classroom. Parents and guardians can start to guide their children as young as six or seven to be effective communicators and active participants in their learning. Some kids are natural negotiators and develop these skills at an early age. Some are very shy and rarely speak up. The goal is to work towards the middle. With shy children, give them positive feedback whenever they express themselves and emphasize the importance of being a self-advocate. With highly skilled negotiators, make sure they know when it is okay to push and when they need to listen and follow directions. 

Every kid is different, as is every family. At the end of the school day, some children are exhausted and need a break from schoolwork. Some want to get work out of the way before they play. It’s important to have conversations with your child to understand what works best for them and create a routine they can look forward to. In addition to the inherent benefits of completing homework or playing with friends, going through a reliable schedule after school also shifts their focus. It helps them mentally transition from the school day and gives them a fresh environment to work through stressors like a challenging test or an argument with a friend. 

Thanks to Interim Head of Lower School Chris Loeffler for his contributions to this article. Click here to learn about Wilmington Friends School's lower school program for children in preschool through 5th grade.